Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and even a handful of Republican presidential candidates have said it’s time to do something about black incarceration rates. Their solutions for this problem range from drug decriminalization to a ban on private prisons. But if an ambitious politician really wants to put a dent in black incarceration, he ought to take his cues from the Obama administration.
See, it’s simple. Instead of letting (obviously) biased police detectives investigate criminal activity, we should let the alleged criminals themselves do the sleuthing. Gosh, who would know better where to look, after all? They could present their evidence against themselves after a predetermined period, and we could then decide whether or not to bring their cases to trial. Folks, you can examine this proposal under a magnifying glass and you won’t find a downside.
Ask John Kerry. He knows what’s up. He and Obama are political powerhouses, dreamers who will be remembered in song long after the robot apocalypse has crushed civilization back to the Stone Age. As the architects of a deal with Iran that will lead to a world free of war, they have ensured their own immortality.
Behold, and be enlightened: In what the Associated Press calls an “unusual arrangement,” Iran will use a collection of its own experts to inspect and report on their controversial Parchin nuclear site. To helpfully expedite this long and, frankly, boring investigation, Tehran’s crack team of investigators will determine once and for all if Iran was violating a ban on nuclear proliferation. This is part of a secret side deal with the International Atomic Energy Agency, a deal Kerry craftily denied when asked.
According to, well, anyone with at least a 1st grade education, Iran will likely report to the IAEA that they did not, in fact, develop nuclear weaponry at the Parchin site. That will (finally) silence the critics of this deal, proving that the U.S. and its allies have been out of line in accusing this mighty Islamic land of treachery.
Who else but men of great genius would see the brilliance in such a plan? It’s like one of those Magic Eye puzzles that were big in the 90s: once you finally see it, you wonder how it could have ever eluded you. After all, why shouldn’t Iran do the work? This is a relief on the taxpayers, at the very least. Conservatives should be thrilled!
The wisdom, really, lies in the agreement’s simplicity. Its flexible framework can be applied to so many of the problems that ail this country. We mentioned incarceration rates, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. This also represents a wonderful opportunity to repeal Obamacare: Have patients do their own diagnoses, referring to a doctor (or, preferably, a website) only for the official prescription signature. Boom, solved. What else you got? Oh, illegal immigration? Simply ask all 11 million citizenship-challenged workers to send in a postcard telling the federal government whether or not they are, in fact, here illegally. If so, they must be deported. If not, they may collect their citizenship at the nearest 7-11. Bam, done.
Guys, seriously, we’re on the cusp of a revolution here. It’s going to be big and it’s going to be bright. Too bright, maybe. Might want to invest in some sunscreen. Shades. An underground steel bunker. You know, the usual.