In the wake of one of the most-visible cyber attacks in history, Sony Pictures has faced an onslaught of criticism. Putting aside what the hack has done to their bottom line – they were forced to back away from The Interview when major theater chains refused to show it – the insider details exposed by the Guardians of Peace have thrown several Hollywood executives into the limelight for all the wrong reasons.

Sony co-chair Amy Pascal has been among the hardest hit by the leaks. Emails have circulated the internet showing Pascal dipping her toes into the racist end of the pool, speculating on what movies President Obama might have enjoyed. Among the possibilities she discussed with producer Scott Rudin: Django Unchained, 12 Years a Slave, The Butler, Think Like a Man, and Ride Along. All movies with a predominately African-American cast.

Predictably, Al Sharpton felt the need to come to the rescue. He met with Pascal on Thursday, telling the media later that “the jury is still out on where we go.” If Pascal was hoping to be forgiven for her minor sins in the 90-minute meeting, she apparently left disappointed. While Sharpton did not ask Pascal to resign, it wasn’t because of his benevolent nature. According to a report from the New York Post, Pascal agreed to give Sharpton a voice when it comes to Sony’s future movies. As the good reverend himself put it: “We have agreed to having a working group deal with the racial bias and lack of diversity in Hollywood.”

In a Total Conservative exclusive, we have obtained a list of projects Al Sharpton would like to see Sony pursue in the coming years. We should see these movies in theaters within a year or two, North Korea permitting.

Sharpton: Man, Myth, Legend – A biopic hitting the highlights of America’s greatest civil rights leader. From his tutelage under the godfather of soul to his daring claim that “White folks was in caves while we was building empires,” Sharpton has moved race relations forward so far they almost seem as though they’ve gotten worse. (Starring Idris Elba as Sharpton.)

Marbles – An inspiring story of a young boy who grows up to become famous, influential, and politically relevant despite a tenuous grasp on the English language.

Truth is Relative – The first major motion picture to take us deep within the Tawana Brawley case. Through the use of flashbacks, dramatic recreations, and cutting edge special effects, moviegoers will be introduced to a philosophy that must guide us into the 21st Century: Facts alone are not enough to combat charges of racism.

Okay, I’m being told our source on these films is dubious, but I’ve chosen to print them anyway. According to the leftwing media establishment, a good story trumps the need for investigation or journalistic due diligence. If it turns out these films aren’t real, we can still use them as a jumping-off point for a “national dialogue.” Pesky considerations like facts just get in the way. See you at the movies!